have you ever wanted to combine different sports and/or activities to come up with something completely unique and that could attract a following? many have tried and just about as many have failed. here’s some of the one’s that tried and failed, because success is boring.
chessboxing
now, at first this sounds pretty fucking badass. you got a giant chess board with people as the chess pieces and you use the same rules as chess, except, instead of taking pieces due to a hierarchy of pieces, to human chess pieces wail on each other until one goes down. this sounds like the ultimate match of tactics and sheer face beating savagery, but alas, it is not.
rather, it is a bunch of boxers who can also play chess. and from the looks of it, not very well. the world chess boxing organization, or the wcbo, states on its website that,
“chessboxing is the ultimate challenge for both the body and the mind. more and more contemporary athletic disciplines are characterised by multifaceted challenges. it’s comparable to a biathlon, as one example. extreme physical stress is combined with a huge mental challenge. chessboxing is a bit more radical than a biathlon, but through targeted training, the body can be prepared for matches just as well as it can for a biathlon. the alteration [sic] between boxing and playing chess represents the biggest challenge.”
alternation between chess and boxing? so, its not a human battle of chess that leaves only the victor standing and the loser crying and vomiting in a pool of his on blood and bile? nope. just play some chess, then box, and then repeat. yawn. fuck that.
no amount flashy video editing and clichéd fighting music can save this one. next!
how can this be better?
by making this a real fight to the death! and using medieval weapons, of course.
zorb globe riding
only the crazy-ass kiwies could come up with something as ridiculous as this. apparently what this is, is getting into an inflatable ball and rolling down a grassy hill. that’s. it. nothing. else. just rolling down a hill. yup. that’s a sport. what’s the goal you ask? roll down the hill at two miles an hour. sweet. here’s a video of what it’s like, make sure to turn down the volume though because the music is pretty damn annoying.
admittedly, it does look it would be fun. but only if the damn ball wouldn’t keep filling up with puke every time you rolled down the hill.
how can this be better?
what would truly make this a sport is if the point is to roll into a set of human bowing pins and to see how far they go flying.
outhouse racing
never ones to be beat by sheer ridiculousness in anything, especially sports, we here in america have pulled this one out of our asses: outhouse racing. this not a race to see who can finish taking a shit the fastest but it is quite literally a race of outhouses. how does it work?
1). wait for winter
2). find outhouse
3). put skis on said outhouse
4). take to start line
5). push outhouse to finish line. the end.
still can’t picture it? here.
our more astute viewers will notice that they don’t even use real outhouses. they just make a box out of cardboard or wood, put some skis on it, and push it. what the fuck?
how can this be better?
by using real fucking outhouses that’s how! not only that, make them steerable, take them to the top of a steep snow-covered hill, and push them down and crash into each other on the way down to the finish line. the outhouses should also be required to be freshly used and from a busy truck stop or a dirty roach coach. none of those puss, “clean” outhouses. the only outhouses that should be racing are the ones that are filled to the brim with steamy greasy burrito truck driver shit. in this race, no one is a winner.
octopush
this “sport” is lamer than it sounds, although it does have potential. what this game is, is hockey underwater. not too bad, right? i mean, hockey has all kinds of fighting in it so how bad can this be? pretty bad.
octopush is a no contact sport. they took out the only good part of hockey because, aparently, full-contact underwater hockey could lead to drownings and that’s a bad thing. here’s a peak:
what it looks like is just a bunch guys that are bitch-fighting over a lost eye contact at the bottom of the pool.
how can this be better?
by making it full contact! just add some more life guards and you’re all set. i have some recommendations:
