it’s that time of year when we all make resolutions that we intend to eventually drop because they are just too hard/boring. exercise more, save more money, quit smoking, stop drinking paint thinner. all hard, all boring. they all, however, can save you mucho moneyo as they say in espanol. so to help all of you losers out, here’s my tips on how to save much $$$ and have fun doing it!
stop going to the gym
exercising daily is an essential part of every adult’s routine and can lead to a long and healthy life. the problem with this is that exercising is fucking boring. the problem is with how we exercise. how do we exercise? by going to the gym. not only is going to the gym boring, it can be goddamn expensive. by eliminating your gym membership you can save yourself perhaps thousands of dollars per month.
but what’s the alternative to the gym? building your own exercise room and filling it with weights and exercise equipment? fuck no! this about saving money, remember? anyways, try to be creative. remember when you were a little kid riding your bike minding your own business, and your sadistic dad would sick a pack of ravenous-rabies-infected-dogs on you just to kill time in between tequila shots? well, this has inspiried my own unique exercising technique (thanks dad!).
the perfect exercise dog
how it works:
1. get your running shoes on (you’re gonna need ‘em!)
2. find some male dogs, the meaner and bigger the better (and make sure that they’re male, it’s important)
3. stretch properly
4. now, you must kick the dog(s) in the balls as hard as you can. get a running start if you want to really give it to him
5. start running as fast as you can because just like human males, male dogs don’t like to be kicked in the balls
now, this exercise is not for the squeamish nor for petafiles. the great thing about this is that:
1). the more often you do this, the more the dogs will hate you and the harder they’ll try to get you;
2). if you do this enough, eventually you won’t even have to kick the dogs in the balls, they will just try to kill you at first sight;
3). it’s free and exciting!
you’ll be shedding pounds in no time and wondering why in the world you ever even considered having a gym membership.
stop shopping
americans spend billions of dollars shopping every second, and frankly, it’s sickening. nearly every store has an online shop as (for example, walmart, target, hustler, etc.) and some shops, such as amazon, have only an online presence. credit cards too, are making it (and have been making it) too easy for anyone to afford those essential high-end electronics that would be out of reach of most people’s bank accounts. just ask this guy:
“go ahead, ask me how i really feel about credit cards”
but how can you get awesome status symbols like big screen hd tv’s, fancy clothes, jewelry, exotic sports cars, and the like without spending money? easy… steal. besides being a dirty whore, being a caniving, backstabbing thief is one of the oldest professions in the world. and the great thing about being a thief is that you can do it in your spare time and there’s virtually a limitless amount people and places to steal from!
who to steal from
you can literally steal from anyone. you can steal from family, friends, co-workers, work, church, and many many more. there is a certain amount of excitement in stealing that gives some people the need to steal stuff that they can truly afford, they’re called winners in my book!
if you really like living on the edge, you can take stealing to a whole new level by robbing and pillaging (the latter works better if you’re a viking). robbing people is a little different in that you shouldn’t rob people that you know (they can identify you) but other than that the sky is pretty much the limit. you can rob old ladies, cab drivers, and unsuspecting children at play at the park. just make sure that you don’t rob the cradle or the craftmatic adjustable bed!
by stealing and robbing people, you will save an untold amount of money and you will never have to pay for anything in your life again.
start dumpster diving
yes, i know that i have covered this in another article. but, this is such a handy tip that i thought that i’d share it again. dumpster diving is no longer the den of sesame street characters but is actually a viable option for everyone.
what can be found
1. food items
2. syringes
3. antiques
4. babies
5. hobos
6. furniture
7. clothing
8. the list never ends!
things that you may need
1. a diving board (aids in the “diving” portion of dumpster diving)
2. a machete to fend off rats, possums, and other dumpster divers
3. a level 4 biohazard suit
some dumpster diving resources:
wikihow.com, thelivingweb.net, allthingsfrugal.com
start grave digging
people are buried with all kinds of amazingly valuable items such as jewelry, clothes, and other valued possessions people acquired throughout their lives. hell, many times even the coffins fucking valuable too, costing thousands of dollars. this is the deceased’s family’s loss and your gain.
what to do
make sure that you have the following:
1). a shovel
2) a crowbar
3). some friends to help you out
4). that level 4 biohazard suit from earlier
5). and a truck
6). a nice suit or dress
7). overalls
8). a strong stomach
start by scoping out the nearest cemetery during the day as it will be easy to so see, and you will be less suspicious than if you were to be wandering around aimlessly at night. try looking out for freshly covered graves, as they will be the least disgusting to rummage through and freshly dug graves are also the easiest to dig up, so that’s always nice. a big plus would be to find a funeral that is taking place (don’t forget your suit/dress for this part).
this is an advantage because you can try to make like you knew the recently deceased and talk to his/her family and friends. you can ask non-intrusive questions such as “how much were those clothes that he/she’s buried in?”, “is there any thing of value in the casket?”, and “how much did that casket cost?”. also, don’t forget to find out when the cemetery closes and what time the sun sets because, when grave digging, darkness is your friend.
once the cemetery is closed and the sun has set, the money saving begins. once you have changed into your overalls and found your chosen grave, take that shovel and start digging! if you hit something hard then you’ve hit paydirt! time to bust that coffin open with your trusty crowbar. (be careful though because you don’t want to ruin it, if it’s still in good shape you might be able to resell it.) now pop that baby open and let’s get to the rummaging!
be warned, you are guaranteed to find some of the most disgusting things that you have ever seen in your life.
