being the financial genius that i am, many people ask for my advice. everyone from hobos to the pope bothers me for that shit because it’s so fuckin righteous. people sometimes say that i remind them of rainman. that’s how smarte i am. i can’t walk down the street without getting bothered by douchebags wanting me to “help” them out with my suave financial advice.
what’s more annoying, is that there’s not a fly swatter around that’s big enough to bitch slap the fucks that are trying to ride the coattails of my geniosity. well, now i’m sick of it . it ends right here. right now. i am going to provide the sound financial advice that i live my life by so i can finally live my life in peace. here’s how i survive day to day in the recession:
water conservation
water is the most valuable natural resource that we have, even more so than porn. unlike porn, it is scarce and expensive. we spend zillions of dollars a day on water and the cost escalates everyday. the average american consumes 50 gallons per minute every single day. what can one do to curb their water usage? don’t bathe.
yes, don’t bathe. the french had it right all along. bathing uses about 20 gallons/second and constitutes roughly 40% of our water usage. instead, try like the irish, and use cologne, or as the french call it, “eau de toilet” (that means toilet water).
using water to shave also consumes lots of gallons. so don’t do it. instead go hobo-status like those freaks from silverlake and sport that beard like a champ. not only is it because your face is like the fuzzy part of velcro, meaning you can stick shit to your face so you don’t lose it, but also the ladies like it. you’ll be like a soft and fuzzy teddy bear made from face pubes. sweet.
two things that also take up a lot of water are washing the dishes and doing your laundry. unfortunately these two actions cannot be avoided. even the dirty french like clean plates and clothes. if you have a dishwasher boy do i have a tip for you. why not do both at the same time? wash your dishes and clothes in the dishwasher at the same time. an upside besides saving water and baby whales (you do want to save the whales right?) is that sometimes the food from the plates ends up in your pockets resulting in tasty treats.
dumpster diving
dumpster diving is an ancient art that has been around since before life was brought to our planet by alien life mothers via interstellar asteroids. the idea behind dumpster diving is pretty simple and i will outline it for you. pay attention carefully because you may become confused by its simplicity.
step 1). find a dumpster.
step 2). dive into said dumpster. (see example below)
step 3). reap the benefits. ca ching!
one of my many many students
many different things are thrown out everyday. everything from food and clothing to unwanted babies. and everything in between. you can capitalize on these discarded items and save thousands of cents per diem (per year for you uneducated fucks out there).
here’s different categories of things of great awesomeness that can be found inside of dumpsters via dumpster diving:
-find cuisine
this word is a variable of “fine cuisine” but since you found it, it’s now “find cuisine.” people throw away food items of varying sorts that range from the delicious to the not so delicious.
things that fall under the delicious category are: pastries; half-eaten pizza; and slightly moldy bread. when diving for these dumpster delicacies, be careful, as some of the food may have bleach on it. because of this, remember to always wipe your food off with your shirt!
also, some of the mold may be penicillin. if you are allergic to penicillin (as i am) you may go into anaphylactic shock (as i have). if you are not allergic to penicillin, eat up because you can save money. that penicillin mold can clear up that gonorrhea infection, by not having to go the doc to an rx, that you got by opting for that sore whore instead of the heidi fleiss type classy whores in a (lame) attempt to save some cash (never go cheap with the ladies).
-medical supplies
i have found that dumpsters behind hospitals are also treasure troves filled to the brim with useful goodies. trillions of dollars are spent on health care each and every year and if you think obama is gonna help you out here, you’re sadly mistaken. by grabbing some discarded medical texts from the 1950’s that have been thrown out of medical school libraries and using the slightly used medical equipment found behind hospitals, you can be your very own doctor, saving yourself tons of cash. another upside is that you can start your own medical practice and make the salary of a rock star.
by using the hospital dumpsters as your supply closet and abandoned buildings as your office, you will have a highly efficient and lucrative business with no over head. i told you that i was a financial genius! oh yeah, ignore those pesky “warning signs” that blanket the dumpsters as they are only an elaborate ruse in order to trick you into ignoring the many treasures that are to be found inside medical wastebins.
other sources of food
many people have cats. many of these cats are outdoor cats. that’s when you can capitalize on someone else’s mistake and turn it into your benefit. by watching thousands of hours of looney toons, i have figured out a way to outsmart those pesky felines vis a vis the wiley coyote. by using the standard string-stick-box-trick, you can capture thousands of stupid pussies and eat them for free!
1). get a box, a stick, a long string, and some bait that little kitties/dogs/children find delicious. perhaps (in order) cat puke/dog shit/bugs. make sure it’s something that you wouldn’t eat. otherwise, why not just eat that?
2). tie string to stick prop up box with said string and lay bait under box.
3). while holding onto string, hide behind something and wait for something to take your bait.
4). pull string when the bait is taken, thus trapping your next meal. voila!
string-stick-box-trick
once you have mastered my patented string-stick-box-trick, you will no longer be paying for pussy at your favorite chinese/thai/vietnamese restaurants again. and the best part about capturing your pussy on your own? besides the satisfaction of being a master pussy hunter? your pussy will be fresh, unlike that chinese/thai/vietnamese pussy that you eat all too often.
free lunch
don’t forget to shave that pussy, because if there’s anything worse than a dirty pussy, it’s a hairy pussy. on a side note, you can also use the string-stick-box-trick on other outdoor animals such as cocks and feral bitches.
for more information about being frugal and dumpster diving, visit allthings frugal.com and freegan.info.
