everyday i walk down the streets and people just stare at me. that want me sooo bad i can feel it. guys, girls, whatever, they all want me. they also wonder how i do it. they wonder how i get my amazing physique and amazing brain muscle so massive. it is not easy (for mere mortals that is, but for me it is because i am definitely not a mere mortal).
i always just laugh at these stupids and just tell them that it simply cannot be achieved and they walk away sad and despondent. as of lately, i have changed my mind. i have seen first hand what the economy has done to people and i feel sad (or i would if i could actually feel emotion. as i am better than people, i do not feel things as people do, because i am better). i have decided to actually help the stupids out and give you (the stupids) a chance to become the awesomeness that is me. so here it is, how to become the badass that jay is in 4 easy steps.
this regimen is definitely not easy to do, but it is worth it because i am so awesome and you can be too.
1). hair
you must shave off all of your hair so as to become as slippery as a bar of soap in a prison shower. the reason? air-o-dynamics bitches. plus, it makes slip ‘n slides so much more fun. which brings us to step number two. plus, it feels really good when you slip ‘n slide without any hair on your body.
he’d be having more fun if he didn’t have any hair
2). kegels
kegel exercises are mandatory to increase your sexual prowess to the level that might even come close to mine. i do 17,000 kegel exercises every day and i am able to a). lift a 50 lb. weight with my penis alone and b). knock over a lamp from across the room with my high-speed, super-accurate ejaculate. good point. accuracy is also great. practice that, because it’s always fun for everyone to display your accuracy at parties performing tricks and having your baby goo jump through hoops and knocking things over at long distances. plus, it impresses the ladies.
3). reading
reading is a must. because if there’s anything as impressive as my kegel-enhanced loved muscle, it’s my reading-enhanced brain muscle. reading increases your vocabulary and makes you smarter and shit. it’s totally tits! don’t read books though, they’re boring and hurt your head due to their boringness. and they don’t have pictures.
instead, i like to read awesome things like billboards, scientology pamphlets, things scribbled/carved/painted in shit in the bathroom stalls at public restrooms, and my website. it’s totally tits! also, chain texts that people forward to me are pretty sweet. remember, chicks love big brain muscles. so read a lot. i read several sentences a day. you should too.
4). fighting
nothing proves your manliness and enhances your self-esteem quite like fighting. and winning fights. because losing fights really sucks. so, what i do is only pick fights with people that i know that i can beat. the elderly, the handicapped (mentally/physically, it doesn’t really matter as long as you can beat them), children, women, and monkeys (just be careful, because some monkeys are really strong). also, chicks really love to see you kick someone’s ass. it gets them really hot. trust me.
tip: if you feel like fighting someone who is about your size, make sure to catch them off guard. wait until they don’t expect it. like, while at the atm, taking a shit/piss, or even while they are playing with their children at the park. it’s best to fight an unprovoked fight because the other person will never see it coming and this will greatly increase your chances of winning. i make sure to fight every 45 minutes, so should you.
conclusion
i am badass and you are not. but with these helpful tips on how to become badass like me, you will be badass too. just don’t forget to practice, because practice makes you perfect.
